Deep thoughts

13 Dec

I had a dream the other night that really got me thinking. I dreamed about my brother and I when we were kids. It was about a specific event, one that actually happened: I had a friend sleep over and we spent the whole evening teasing my brother, hitting him in the head with books, just doing all those mean things that sisters do. But the weird thing was, I was there, watching the younger me do all these things. My brother ran by older me, happy and absolutely giddy that he had my attention…even if it was me being mean to him. He always wanted to be with me, and at the time, I couldn’t be bothered. I reached out to him, wanting desperately to tell him how much I really did love him, and to apologize for always tormenting him, but I couldn’t grab him, my hands were invisible, and he see me or hear what I was saying. I woke up, so sad. I know my brother knows I love him, he and I are good now. We’re closer than ever. And I know that siblings fight and make up, but I couldn’t figure out why I’d had that dream then, and what it meant.

So this morning, I spent the morning helping my cousin move her things our of her ex’s house. As I was watching her entire life get packed up and put into trucks, it all clicked. My cousin (Michaela) and I grew up together like sisters. We were always together, did EVERYTHING together, fought like sisters, the whole deal (we’re only a year apart in age). Then we got into high school and really drifted apart. She’s gone through hell and back in the last few months, and I’ve been trying “to be there” for her. What struck me today was, that’s just not enough.

See, my whole life (up to a few years ago), I’ve pushed people away, done my own thing, decided that my problems were more important than other people’s. I may not be able to go back in time and tell the people that I hurt that I love them, but I CAN tell them today. I can be the person I should’ve been all along. I can be a friend and a shoulder to cry on for my cousin and my friend. I can help her put one foot in front of the other again. I know what it feels like to feel like your life is falling apart, and not even be able to reach out for help because it hurts so much.

I just sent my brother a text message, telling him that I was thinking about him and that I loved him. Michaela is coming over to hang out tonight. Maybe we do get second chances after all, hell maybe even third and fourth chances.

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