Fan mail and Beyonce

12 Jan

Just when I was thinking that no one besides my familee read my blog, I got my first piece of fan mail yesterday. I was kind of excited, I just wish the person who sent it didn’t remain anonymous. The coolest thing about fan mail is the lengths people will go to to make sure you don’t know who they are (they don’t want to seem stalkerish or anything). This fan of my blog created a bogus email account and used the name of a person I actually know, and then sent me this love letter.

I was like, yay! Fan mail! But then I was sad because the real person who sent it doesn’t want to take credit. I was hoping to send them a nice mini muffin basket or something. I was thinking of attaching a nice note. Something along the lines of, ur email makes makes me all tingly inside, because of the way you spell familee. I was also thinking of including a picture of my children dressed in rags with big sad puppy eyes so that my secret admirer could understand the depths of my depravity and my willingness to totally use my children to manipulate people, especially my familee. I actually use my children all the time to manipulate my familee. I leave them on the doorstep of my familee’s house, ring the doorbell and run away. I hide in the bushes while they shiver in the cold, waiting for my familee to take pity on them. That’s how I amassed such a fortune you know, and of course kids always good for drumming up pity, gifts and other trinkets. Sadly, because I don’t know the true identity of my secret admirer, I can’t send them anything.

I just wish they hadn’t gone to all that trouble. I mean, I’m truly flattered. To show my sincere appreciation, and because I can’t thank them personally, I’ll give them the gift of a gay man imitating Beyonce. Watch and enjoy Secret Admirer, it’ll make you smile, just like you make me smile.

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