Global warming and garden gnomes

15 Jan

So I’m sitting here in January enjoying the most kick ass heat wave. It’s really more of a dry heat, it’s a balmy 4 degrees. It’s a high of 8 today. Tonight it’s supposed to be 13 below zero, which should be fun for outdoor activities. We’re actually kind of lucky though, there was some places in Wisconsin, Minnesota and Northern Maine that were 47 below with the wind chill. I can’t even comprehend that kind of cold. I did learn though that skin freezes in 10 minutes at 43 below zero. I have no intention of testing this theory, I’m going to just take this on good authority (the National Weather Service). It’s apparently like 89 today in California. We hate them. Seriously, it’s been said before, but it must be said again, if global warming keeps up, I’m going to freeze to death.

The other night I was flipping through the channels with Chris and landed on the Home Shopping Network. Nate Berkus was on, who I love from the Oprah show. He had on all these really cool pillows which I decided we needed to have for the living room. I was like, don’t you love those? He was like, ehh. No. Apparently Chris hates pillows. I went online and showed him all the different styles and colors and he was all, babe, they’re pillows. I don’t like them. I’m like, what don’t you like about them? Do you want a different color? Different pattern? He’s like, no, no, no. I don’t care how they look, I hate pillows. This is not the first time I’ve encountered his strange phobias. He also has an aversion to seat cushions, which is just weird. He doesn’t seem to mind pillows if they’re totally attached to something, like the back of a couch, or a really puffy recliner, but try to get throw pillows and he gets all crazy. I could understand if I’d tried to smother him with a throw pillow or something, but I totally wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t risk getting spit or face dirt on my good pillows, they’re really hard to clean. No, that’s not true. Any good dry cleaner could take care of stains. You know, this reminds me, he also has a fear of garden gnomes. Perhaps he’s not afraid of me smothering him…perhaps he’s afraid of garden gnomes smothering him with throw pillows…

P.S. I totally wouldn’t really smother Chris. He’s way stronger than me. And besides, I always “get” him wrong. A couple of weeks ago, he took out the trash and I thought it would be funny if I sprayed him with the faucet sprayer. He walked in and I aimed and hit him right in the chest. He was like, AHHHHHH! Son of a bitch baby! That’s HOT water! I was like, awww. I didn’t mean to scald him, just get him wet. This is why I don’t mess with Chris, it always goes terribly wrong.

P.P.S. The fear of garden gnomes is called gnomophobia. For real.

P.P.P.S. I’m totally getting a garden gnome for my garden. Who needs throw pillows to scare your husband when you have garden gnomes? *rubs hands together and laughs manically*

P.P.P.P.S I fear may regret this decision…

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