But have you gotten any smarter?

24 Feb

My 30th birthday is Saturday. So this week is will probably be filled with the thoughtful musings random thoughts of someone who’s not entirely sure they’re ready to be 30. See, I totally NEVER thought I’d make it past 18. Then 21. Then 25. So 30 is just fucking scary. I know that’s retarded because I have 9 year olds, so certainly I must’ve thought this far ahead, right? This just wasn’t on my radar.

So what have I accomplished?

I’ve never killed anybody. This was always a possiblity given the fact I spent the better part of my teenage years drunk, high or both.

I’ve never technically been arrested, because the time the cops were standing watch outside my hospital room totally doesn’t count.

I’ve succeeded in not causing serious harm to anyone. I’m counting “not serious harm” as not losing any limbs and accident resulting in less than 10 stitches.

I’ve been married…twice. Second time seems to be the charm.

I’ve been to college 7 times. Granted, I still haven’t finished, but that’s hardly the point.

I’m the same exact size I was when I was 18…if you multiply by 4, divide by 3, add 47 and find the square root of 8109283021983109283.

I’ve finally gotten myself a real wrinkle. Right in the middle of my eyebrows. No doubt from spending the past 29 years scowling at people. This is a success…because…well…ok it’s not. But that’s a lot of scowling, and that deserves some recognition.

Ok, so maybe I haven’t accomplished all I’d wanted, or even really anything at all, but since I never thought I’d make it 30 anyway, we’re counting these as successes.

I’m thinking that anything not a catastrophic failure is a success in my case.

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