Happy birthday to me!

1 Mar

So…yesterday was my birthday. I’d could tell you that it was filled with the obligatory showering me with praise, affection and attention that usually comes with birthdays, but I’d be lying. I spent the day on the verge of a panic attack, starving, my hands bleeding, my throat raw and best of all, with my ass asleep.

Started out pretty good, Chris remembered, said happy birthday before my eyes were even open. The kids of course forgot until Chris was like, did you wish your mother a happy birthday? To which Kat (obviously not filled with the horror of forgetting her mother’s birthday) said, I was just about to…as soon as I remembered! Davey was like, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM! Davey spent the rest of the day hugging me and petting me, telling me “happy birthday” no less than 23894719874 times. Clearly the child is guilt ridden, but I wouldn’t be doing my job as a mother if I didn’t make my children feel guilty. Anyway, everything ran on schedule getting out of the house, which NEVER happens. I did dump a whole container of Kat’s silver glitter eye make up all over the bathroom floor, but that’s ok. Since her competition season started I’ve found glitter all over the house, our clothes, my face, Chris’ hair, David’s headgear…literally everywhere. We get to the competition and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited. They had us lined up in this entryway thing, crammed in like sardines, no air, no water, no room to even turn around. As I’ve said before, I have a personal space thing, well, I also have a crowd thing. I’m standing in the middle of this crowd and I start getting dizzy, and all claustrophobic. People are talking to me, and I’m swaying back and forth, the whole time going, shit. I’m going to faint and them I’ll crack my skull open on the floor and need stitches, I’ll make a huge scene and the fondest memory I’ll have of my 30th birthday will be when they gave me the good drugs at the hospital. I didn’t faint. Some angelic soul finally opened the gym doors and let us all in. Although, looking back, getting my hands on some of those drugs would’ve been nice, because my I spent the rest of the day with my ass asleep. This competition was supposed to last until 2:30. We got out at freaking 5. Granted it was great watching all the teams from Kat’s gym perform, and they swept every category, including top gym, but it dragged on, and on, and on. To make matters worse, they were giving away a trophy for “Most Spirited Fans”. So I’m screaming my little heart out, clapping my hands to a bloody pulp, the whole deal. We didn’t win. How we didn’t win, I have no idea. I think the trophy was really for “Most NOT Spirited Fans because we don’t want to hurt any smaller gyms feelings by giving the trophy to the biggest gym with the most and loudest fans”. But whatever.

When we finally left the competition, I was starving. I don’t know that I’ve been so hungry in my life. I didn’t eat breakfast because I thought we’d be done by 3 at the latest, so by the time we got to Outback I was near death. I did learn a few things in the process: 1., we need a GPS, 2., Chris sucks at directions, 3., I get a little testy when I’m hungry. After taking 73 wrong turns and still being no where near Outback, Chris says, I know it’s around here somewhere… To which I replied, IF YOU DON’T GET ME SOMETHING TO F*UCKING EAT IN THE NEXT 2 MINUTES I’M GOING TO GNAW OFF DAVEY’S LEG. Chris made his, holy shit. Back it down face. Davey wasn’t sure if he should be laugh or be scared. I think he was both. We finally, FINALLY got to Outback, and there was a 55 minute wait. At this point, I was like, you know what. Screw it. It’s my birthday. We’re waiting. I think it was worth it…I’m not entirely sure, because I was near-comatose and inhaled it.

So my birthday didn’t go at all the way I’d planned, but as Chris likes to remind me, things could always be worse, I could be on fire.

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