I’m the porn-looking-at retard who apparently shouldn’t be allowed out without a helmet

8 Mar

Usually when I write a post, I text Chris to tell him, make him read it, shower me with praise, etc., etc., etc. Normally he has comments, but after reading Friday’s post, he was suspiciously quiet. We went out dinner at Olive Garden, and I was like, so you didn’t say much about my blog post, did you not like it? He was like, yeah, I did…I just …I dunno. So I’m moderately offended.

Me: No seriously, what did you think?

Chris: Well, I don’t want to make you feel bad.

Me: (thinking what the hell?) No, go ahead.

Chris: I know ATP means.

Me: Oh? Do tell. (at this point totally thinking he’s just being a jackass)

Chris:It means adenosine triphosphate.

Me: Pfft. What the hell does that mean?

Chris: Well see, adenosine triphosphate moves the energy that helps in cell division and helps in DNA replication. It’s an energy transfer molecule.

Totally speechless.

So here I am, thinking that only some nerdy loser would actually know that, and fucking Chris knows it. He proceeded to tell me all about cell division and crap. I don’t know. I was so completely blown away I was listening to him with my mouth hanging open. When he was done educating me he goes, I really am smart you know. Shyeah, got it. Thanks. In other make me feel like an idiot news, I spent the majority of the day helping Kat with her science project. She had to make a poster about simple machines. Apparently a fork is a simple machine. I totally didn’t know that. I actually learned quite a bit, which is sad since she’s in the third grade and I swear I graduated high school and have attended 3 semesters of college.

I apparently can’t spell either. On Saturday I was logging on to Facebook (yeah, totally addicted), and I typed what I thought was Facebook into the URL box. I misspelled it, hit enter and SURPRISE! Hard core porn. I was like HOLY SHIT! The kids are standing at the sink washing their hands as Mommy is looking at porn, albeit unintentionally. So in addition to being the kind of mom who now has porn on the family computer, I’m also the kind of wife to shirk all responsibility. I didn’t realize I’d misspelled Facebook until about 5 minutes later. I probably would’ve figured it out sooner, except I was busy sending Chris angry text messages, because I was 110% sure he was looking at porn on the computer and I had gotten a pop-up because of all the porn looking he was doing. It was only when I looked at the URL that I realized it was me corrupting our computer. There’s one porn site on the computer. Because of me. Sigh. I, of course, apologized for jumping to conclusions. Chris was all, I TOLD you I don’t look at porn. Yes dear, I know. I get it. You don’t look at porn and you know what adenosine triphosphate means. I’m the porn-looking-at retard who apparently shouldn’t be allowed out without a helmet.

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