Scaring the crap out of sick kids

10 Mar

I just read the scariest/most disturbing thing I’ve ever read in my life. According to the Miami Herald, Britney Spears donated $100,000 to help sick kids through an organization called Big Apple Circus Clown Care Program. I was like, well, isn’t that nice, bad mommy does good. But I wasn’t really sure what the Big Apple Circus Clown Care Program was, so off to Google I went. And I had a small aneursym when I read the info. Apparently, this is an organization of doctor/clowns who treat sick kids. Why? Why would you do that to innocent children? They’re already sick, why would you expose them to the scariest people on the entire planet?

Just so we’re all totally clear, I have nothing against helping sick children. I’m not the Antichrist, I do have a soul, and I promise I have a heart for sick children. However, I do NOT have a heart for clowns. They terrify the bejesus out me. Not a little, not like in a, “oh, haha, that’s so silly” kind of way, in a “makes my heart beat faster, makes me hyperventilate, makes me pee my pants a little bit” kind of way. People have told me this is just an irrational fear, I disagree. It’s quite rational. In fact, if someone can explain to me how grown men/women can put on face paint, paint on a smile, wear big shoes and clothes and move around like they’re in slow motion, all the while pointing and fake laughing with no sound, is at all rational, I’ll give them a million dollars. Not only is not rational, it’s sure as hell not funny. To prove I’m not crazy, take a look at the overwhelming evidence. Warning, it’s fucking terrifying.

Exhibit A: Clownhouse. A movie about 3 escaped mental patients who follow a young boy and his 2 brothers home. I could say more, but the trailer really speaks for itself.

Exhibit B. Stephen King’s IT. No intro needed, just take a look at the terrifying clown coming out of the ground.

Exhibit C. There is no exhibit C because I’ve sufficiently scared the shit out of myself by looking for these 2 items and am in the process of retreating into the fetal position to be followed by rocking in the corner sucking my thumb.

P.S. Apparently I’m not alone in this anlysis. According the Wikipedia article about coulrophobia (fear of clowns), The University of Sheffield found that children are frightened by clown-themed decor in hospitals. Imagine what they would’ve found if they’d researched how children feel about ACTUAL clowns in hospitals.

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