88 times the awesomeness

12 Mar

I just got done eating and I think my intestines might explode. Ugh, so full. I’ve spent literally the last 36 hours eating anything and everything I could get my hands on. See, yesterday I quit smoking (I know, I know, it’s fantastic, I’ll live another 137 years, you’re so proud, blah, blah, blah), and didn’t really know what else to do. I had my new best friend Nicorette, but Nicky was really letting me down. I chewed and chewed and it just wasn’t helping. So I ate. For breakfast, I ate a chocolate glazed donut and a bagel from Tim Horton’s. While waiting for lunch I ate a whole bag of pretzel rods. For lunch I ate a Nestle’s crunch bar and a bag of Doritos. For dinner we had breakfast for dinner, and I had like 483 pieces of bacon, a couple of sausage links and waffles and I had about a half a pan of brownies for dessert. I rolled myself up the stairs to bed relatively early for fear I might eat more.

So this morning, Day 2, wasn’t quite as bad, until it was. After the kids left for school I ate a brownie. Then when I stopped at Tim Horton’s again and this time got 2 chocolate glazed donuts, a bagel, AND a sandwich. No, not a breakfast sandwich. I’m talking a foot long turkey club, complete with bacon. I’ve been at work a little over an hour and I’ve eaten all of it. I can’t decide whether I’m super excited that I haven’t smoked at all in more that 36 hours or if I’m devastated that in that same time I’ve eaten enough to feed a small village for a week.

I’ve also had lots of “advice” on how to quit smoking: wear a patch, suck on a lollipop, snack on carrot sticks, chew on a coffee stirrer, use sugar free hard candies, stick sharp pointy objects into your eyeballs when you get a craving, etc, etc. Screw all of them. I’ve found my method. Gummy bears. Rather, gummy bears on a stick. And better still, the world’s largest gummy bears. Shyeah. According to Vat19’s website, these babies are 88 times the size of a regular gummy bear (which is 88 times the awesomeness), weigh a half a pound and they’re made in the United States by hand “with gloves on”. Can you really ask for more than that? I think not.

I’ll be placing my order later today.

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