Animal Voodoo

17 Mar

So we’re driving to cheering, everything is going right on schedule, we might even be there early. Then we hear this rumbling. I was like, babe is that the car? Chris goes, eh… We see smoke and both go, oh shit. Chris starts pulling over, but the car isn’t stopping and he’s having a hard time even getting into the breakdown lane. Once he finally got it stopped, I get out and looked at the tire, TOTALLY flat. Like not a little flat, like riding on the rim flat. Chris gets out to inspect and confirms my original diagnosis…it’s flat. We have a spare but no jack. So I call AAA, and give them all the info they need and specifically said that we’re not all the way out of the road, so could they please send a police officer to at least get people to slow down/move into the other lane. The guys says no problem, we’ll be there within 10 minutes. So 10 minutes go by, then 15, then 20. No police, no tow truck, nothing. Just cars speeding by at 80 mph. At 25 minutes, I call AAA back, fucking LIVID. I was all, where the HELL are you guys? He’s like, ma’am, they’re on the way, I assure you. They’re about 15 minutes away. I was like, THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID 25 MINUTES AGO! He’s all, ma’am if you could just calm down…Heh. Not likely, DON’T YOU TELL ME TO CALM DOWN. I HAVE 2 KIDS IN THE BACKSEAT AND CARS ARE SPEEDING BY. THERE ARE NO POLICE IN SIGHT. WE NEED HELP! He’s all, certainly ma’am. I’m all, go fuck yourself.

So after I hung up on that douchebag, this tractor trailer nearly clips the back of the car. I was like, that’s it. Get out of the car. Everyone out. NOW. So they get out and I was holding their hands, trying to walk down this steep hill into the ditch. They’re starting to cry, and I’m just trying to get them off the side of the road. We get to the bottom of the hill, and there’s like a river of muck (dead leaves and such) and of course there’s still snow. I’m thinking, no problem, we’ll just kinda hop across. Yeah, there was no hopping. I took a step and sunk in up to my freaking knee in this ice cold watery mud shit. As I sunk in, Davey took a step and sunk in up to his ankles. He starts wailing (literally). So I grab him (my leg still stuck in the river of shit) and fling him out of the shit and onto solid ground. I’m trying to yell instructions at Kat to make sure she doesn’t sink, but of course she can’t hear me over David’s wailing, the whizzing cars and her own sobbing. She starts to sink and I grab her and toss her next to David. I manage to pull myself out, and limp over to the kids, who are huddled together crying. We were standing in front of a bunch of trees, and Davey goes, Mom, I’m really scared we’re gonna die!. Chris (ever helpful) says, you’re not gonna die buddy, but watch out for bears! Davey lets out this wail and is like, AHHHH, OH GOD! I’m trying not to laugh, because he’s obviously scared, and was just like, Baby, there are no bears. We’re not going to die, I promise. I don’t think he believed me. Chris walks down the hill to make sure we’re not dead and walks across the mud in 1 step, no sinking. He goes, why didn’t you just go this way? Heh. Well thanks dear, I sure do appreciate that tip. But I gotta tell you, I so enjoyed sinking in the mud and getting soaking wet. Jackass.

So FINALLY the tow truck comes and they start fixing the tire. They’d been working for about 5 minutes when the police show up. The cop strolls over to Chris and is like, license and registration please. He takes all of Chris’ information and goes back to his car. Mind you, he’s never once even asked if we were ok. All he did was glare at me and the kids huddled together our feet and legs soaking wet and covered in mud. He comes back, glares at us again, and then writes Chris a warning for not changing his address on his license. Then he left. Never even waited for the tow truck to finish. Seriously? That’s what we called you for? Thanks so much, that was so helpful.

So tire’s fixed, and we get back up the hill without further incident, and get back in the car. I was bitching about how gross the muddy water was and how it smelled and turned my foot brown. The kids were both talking about how they were sure that they were going to die, and they saw their life flash before their eyes, all the melodrama you’d expect from my children. Then Davey says, I was so scared when we sank in that animal voodoo. Chris goes, I think you mean doodoo. Davey was like, nope, I mean voodoo. It was NASTY.Then Chris and I are talking about what a jerk the officer was, and I called him “Officer Douchebag”. Davey goes, hehe. I like it when you call him Officer Douchebag. Probably not the best protocol teaching my son a new bad word, but what are good mommies for, right? And hey, the kid just sank in animal voodoo, what do you expect? He’s traumatized.

So that’s my adventure. I’m left with a bruise the size of Ohio on my calf, my hip muscle is pulled and I’m limping because my knee is all messed up. Although there is no moral of the story here, and there’s really no lesson learned, we didn’t die and that’s good enough for me.

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