Well isn’t that special

20 Mar

So today I was on Facebook taking yet another one of their quizes. Today’s was Who Would Be Your Celebrity Boyfriend? Sounds fun. So I take the quiz and my result is Colin Farrell. So I said to Chris, my celebrity boyfriend would be Colin Farrell. Does that surprise you? He says, not really, you’re both badasses. Interesting. I said, True, but I married you, so what does that say? He thinks about it for a second and says, that I’m more badass than you expected? PFFFFFFFFFFFFT. I respond with a snort, If you’re a badass, I’m the Church Lady. He says, well you do go to church on Sunday…

Ok seriously. What the fuck? I’m so NOT the Church Lady. Yes. I go to church. And yes, I like it. No, I’m not the God-less heathen y’all thought I was. If that somehow makes me less badass, well screw you. I still swear like a motherfucking trucker (nothing like a little gratuitous swearing to prove my point). Sure I bake cookies for the neighborhood children, care for sick kittens and read to the blind, but I’m still a total badass. Okay, I really dislike other people’s children and wouldn’t bake cookies for them for fear that they’d come back for seconds. I don’t really care for sick kittens, I don’t really like cats. And I don’t really read to the blind, because that’s kinda what they have audiobooks for. Clearly I’m still a badass.

Chris, in all his badassery is scared to get a tattoo. He says he’s not scared, he says he just hasn’t found the perfect design yet. I say he’s scared as hell. I have 3 tattoos, it’s not scary. He went with me to get the one on my wrist and was watching with complete fascination, asking constantly, doesn’t that hurt? Well yeah dummy, it’s a needle poking ink into my wrist, what do you think? When it was his turn, he was all, No, no. I didn’t mean I was getting one TODAY, I was just looking. Yeah, sure. Here’s what maybe you didn’t know about Chris.

1. He’s a staunch Southern conservative republican. Not very badass.

2. He’s was educated in a private Christian school. He took AP (advanced placement) calculus…FOR FUN. He got a 1320 on his SATs. Not very badass.

3. The first time I met him he was wearing a white and green polo shirt tucked into pleated khaki pants. Does that sound very badass to you?

Granted, he’s changed a lot since I first met him, and I’ve burned all of his pleated pants, but he’s still not a badass. He’s funny, sarcastic, witty, snarky, he makes me laugh every single day, he’s the most fun person in the world to be around, he’s a great dad and my best friend, but he’s NOT a badass.

P.S. Like that? How I turned it around at the end and got all aww I totally didn’t see that sweetness at the end coming! Yeah, that’s why I’ll be having a steak dinner with a side of shopping for something sparkly and you’ll be sitting at home watching American Idol on DVR while your husband snores in the chair. I’m just that good.

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