An open letter to studio execs

15 Apr

Dear Mr. Studio Executive,

I was reading my daily gossip today, and read that “Octomom” is thisclose to getting her own reality show. To which I say, What. The. Fuck. I know she’s this woman who had octuplets, which is insane all by itself, and not at all her fault…except it was. She had in-vitro fertilization. Add those 8 kids to the 6 she already had, and you can call her Fourteenamom (if you use the name “Fourteenamom” for her show, you’ll have to pay me the licensing fees, because I totally call dibs on that name). The woman has no job, and is totally reliant on government assistance to care for these 14 children. Don’t misunderstand, I have nothing against government assistance for people who need it. I have a problem with a woman with no job and 6 kids paying thousands of dollars for in-vitro fertilization to have another 8 kids. But I digress. This woman gets a reality show? This is what’s wrong with America. You have to be at the height of irresponsibility to get a reality show (Rod Blagojevic, the loser/Going to jail for selling Obama’s senate seat/Ex-governor of Illinois is getting one, as is Michael Vick, dog fighter extraordinaire/former NFL quarterback is also said to be getting one). Well let me tell you Mr. Studio Executive, I’m MORE than qualified to have a reality show.

I have 2 kids, which I am completely unqualified to raise and I’m totally irresponsible. I let my kids run with scissors and paint on the walls as a form of self expression. I have a part-time job at Hooters, where I bring my kids everyday after because I’m too cheap to send them to daycare and the because they have the best wings. My life’s goal is to be a singer/dancer/ninja and I work tirelessly on my career (I’ll give you full access to all of my training sessions, except the ninja training, because then I’d have to kill you). My live in Manny (man nanny) is drop dead gorgeous and the sexual tension between us is palpable (you could use this for a “will they or won’t they” moment during sweeps week). I have two little dogs that are cute and bark too much (a staple for any good reality show). My husband sucks at fixing things and home improvement projects usually end in a call to the fire department. As I’m sure you can see, we’re fantastic candidates for a reality show.

I look forward to hearing from you and working for your network.

Merritt

P.S. I’d like a Thursday night time slot. Preferably in the 10:00 hour so I can swear more.

P.P.S. None of what I said about my family is true.Except the part about my husband setting things on fire, that’s true. Give me a show anyway.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: