The petty larcenist a la Winona Rider

12 May

I’m beginning to wonder if that thing that my mom said when I was a teenager was really an evil voodoo curse. You know the, I hope you have 10 daughters JUST LIKE YOU! that moms say when you’ve been really bad? Yeah, so now I’m searching for a cure for the curse and all I can find is something about eating a newt’s eye on a full moon and juvenile detention centers. Since I have a thing about eyeballs, I’m thinking of going with the latter, or maybe I should make her eat a newt’s eyeballs…anyway, I digress.

Yesterday we were getting ready to go to cheering practice, and I told Kat to put her backpack away before we left. She was going super slow, so I thought I’d do it for her. She of course has been stuffing crap in there since Christmas, so it weighs 73 lbs, and I was like, SIGH. So I start pulling out stuff. She has, and I’m not exaggerating even a little, 4 large rocks, 6 pencils, 3 hardcover books, 2 paperback books, about an inch worth of papers I was supposed to get a month ago, and half of an envelope. The envelope is clearly half of her milk money envelope, it has my writing on it, the amount, teacher’s name, etc. I was like, eh, what the hell is this? Where’s the other half? She’s like, I opened it before I gave it to my teacher. Oh ok, well thanks for clearing that up, big fat liar. So I’m like, pffft. Bull, wanna try that again? The she gets these big crocodile tears and whimpers, I took it. I was like, you TOOK it? Like you STOLE it? You stole $1.25? So after yelling at her, lecturing her about morals, trying to be calm while telling her who disappointed I am in her, etc., I think aged about 13 years. I feel certain I saw a new wrinkle in my forehead today. The dumbest thing about this is, this kid, both of my kids, are spoiled. They get pretty much what they want, go where they want, have nice clothes and shoes, I mean, they really aren’t lacking anything. So for this fool to steal $1.25 is just maddening. I mean, so now we’re practicing petty larceny for the fun of it? So Kat’s going all Winona Rider on me, and that’s just not cool.

So Miss Katherine got grounded from her phone for a month (and we’re actually suspending service, so there’s no going back on it), plus she may also lose her Sidekick, depending on if she pisses me off in the next 30 days. I know I was a bad kid, and maybe I deserve my mom’s voodoo curse, but damn. Kat is 9, at this rate either she’s going into a juvenile detention center, or I’m going into an insane asylum.

In other mom news, my mom said that my blog is vile and that I’d be better served writing about things that actually matter. I’m all, hello? Like porn and giant gummy bear lollipops don’t matter? And just because I SOMETIMES swear like a drunken sailor, that makes me vile? What do you know. I’m tempted to be totally vile and random (like more that usual), but since I’m hoping she’ll lift her voodoo curse, I’ll try to behave. I love you, Mom…

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