Domestic Bliss

20 May

So this weekend I’m finally getting my “new” couch. Ok, so not new. One of my friends is moving away and was having an “everything must go!” sale of all of her earthly possessions…or at least the stuff she didn’t feel like dragging half-way across the country. Anyway, I’m buying her couch for $100, which is awesome. She’s a super clean freak, total OCD, so this couch is super clean, it completely puts my beaten to hell, dog chewed, kids boogered, nasty ass couch to shame. Not that I haven’t tried to get a new couch for like 4 years, but Scrooge McDuck strikes again. So the other night I’m thinking of all the rearranging and redecorating I’m going to have to do and I’m like, I think I we’re gonna need a sofa table. Chris is like, what the hell is a sofa table and why do we need one? So I explain (it’s just a table that goes behind a sofa. Clever name, eh?) and wave my hands around all excitable and such, and I’m all, doesn’t that sound great? He makes the dumbest face I’ve ever seen and says, yeah, well, we’ll see. How much is it? Eh. Ok. The guy seriously has earned his Scrooge McDuck nickname. In the interest of not wanting to get divorced over a stupid sofa table, I start thinking about alternatives.

As we all know there are legions of mommy crafters out there and they all have blogs. I am so not one of those mommies. I suck so bad at crafting it’s not even funny. The one time I used a hot glue gun, I glued ribbon to my arms, the table and wound up with second degree burns on my neck. Against my better judgement, I start looking for their blogs to maybe get a little design inspiration, I’m just hoping for no glue gunning. Here’s what I’ve learned.

1. These mommies are like fucking MacGyver. They fashion a new table cloth with matching curtains from paper clips, magazine clippings and a glue gun. It’s crazy.

2. If I’m ever going to be crafty, I’m going to have to get over my fear of glue guns. One lady redid her guest bedroom by with nothing but a glue gun and popsicle sticks. It was kinda pretty. These women even have names for their glue guns, clearly, they love them and are much more comfortable with theirs than I am with mine. I’m going to name mine Hell Beast.

3. I love Pottery Barn. You want a “beachy chic” look, Pottery Barn has it. You want “urban farmhouse”? Pottery Barn has that too. You don’t have to learn to sew or paint or even get over your unnatural fear of glue guns. You can just order whatever your little heart desires. They’ll even ship it right to your door sans popsicle sticks.

Yeah, so what we’ve really learned here is, fuck crafting. I’m going to Pottery Barn. And I’m getting a sofa table.

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