Are 2 really enough?

30 Jun

Lately, I’ve been having this overwhelming feeling, more than an urge, more like a longing, to have another baby. Am I completely insane? Probably, but that’s no surprise. I don’t know what it is, I don’t know if it’s because it seems like everyone is either pregnant or just had a baby, or if it’s just the deafening ticking of my biological clock that I hear. It seems like every time I turn around I just keep getting older, and it’s pissing me off. I almost had a breakdown this morning when I was doing my hair. Usually, anytime I see a gray hair, I yank it out by the roots in an act of aggression/rage/despair. This morning I start yanking hairs out, and I had at least 12 before I stopped counting. I quickly turned off the bathroom light and finished getting ready in the dark. The wrinkle between my eyebrows is getting deeper by the day, and I swear I almost slipped into a conversation about bunions with a lady at the grocery store. I think it’s just this overwhelming feeling that all the lady parts are drying up and if I wait too much longer, I’ll forever miss my chance to have another kid.

It seems like I go through this every few years, but this is really as bad as it’s ever been. It’s a good thing that last time I went through this (and finally came to my senses), I decided I should go with an IUD as birth control just in case. Poor birth control is actually how I got pregnant in the first place. I was taking the pill and got an ear infection and was prescribed amoxicillin. Just a fun fact in case you didn’t know, amoxicillin makes the pill less effective. There’s apparently a warning on both the amoxicillin bottle and the pills, but who reads those warnings anyway, they’re always just a bunch of legal crap that isn’t even remotely important. Yeah, turns out, it is kind of important. So I didn’t get 1 surprise, but 2. And that’s another thing, I read somewhere that women who have twins naturally (without any fertility treatments) are more likely to have multiples again. That could be enough to make me be committed indefinitely. Good Lord, once was enough. Double the formula, double the diapers, two babies crying at once…ugh, it was horrible. There were so many days that I spent the day crying, right along with them. Don’t ever fall for it when someone says, oh, twins? Yeah, I know how that is. My kids are a year apart. Yeah, no you don’t know how that is. It’s not even remotely the same. You have to do everything…at the SAME TIME. So to even take a chance at doing that again…I dunno. Maybe I don’t want more kids after all. Or maybe I do. Maybe I’ll adopt. I just don’t want to have a baby for the wrong reasons, i.e. fulfilling my need to be really needed. Now that the kids are older, and I’m apparently turning into Grandma Moses, I just don’t feel as needed as I used to.

Maybe for now I’ll just keep using my furbaby as a substitute for a real baby. She’s got all the benefits of a baby (needs me, loves me, is fun to dress up) without all the crappy side effects that babies have (doesn’t require going into labor/having a c-section, doesn’t need burping, doesn’t wake me up to eat at 2 a.m.). She really doesn’t seem to mind be my baby-substitute.

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