I’m the Rainman of cooking

1 Jul

So I don’t know if I’ve ever admitted this publicly, but I’m a horrendous cook. I can burn water, and I mean that literally. You know those people who can look in their pantry and grab like 5 ingredients and make the most delicious meal you’ve ever tasted? It’s like that show on Food Network, Chopped, where they get a basket full of stuff like pepperoni, grapes, veal liver, yogurt and hot dogs and they make some world class meal totally suitable for the Waldorf-Astoria. I’m exactly like that, only completely opposite. I can take lobster, filet mignon, and black truffles and turn into world class shit. Like I tried to make something simple like kielbasa and rice. Easy enough, right? I mean hell, I even used boil-in-bag rice. Really hard to screw up. Not for me! The rice got stuck to the bottom of the pan and half of it was crispy and the other half was mush, and I burned the kielbasa to a crisp. It’s not like I’m not paying attention, I really am, I just get sidetracked and before you know it, the smoke alarm is going off. The kids like to say that when the smoke alarm goes off dinner is ready. Chris enjoys telling people that my specialty is “blackened” food, like Cajun-style without the spice. I think they’re mocking me.

I suppose I can follow a recipe, but even that I usually mess up. There is one thing that I make really, really well: apple pie, from scratch. I make the crust from scratch, the filling, everything. It’s perfect every time. Now, why I can make something as complicated as apple pie and I can’t make fucking instant rice, I don’t know. I can even make the fancy lattice-work top. I’m a cooking idiot savant. I saw this ad for a contest for the best desert, and I’m actually considering entering, and I totally think I could win. As long as I don’t have to boil water, I should be ok.


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