Indecision rears its ugly head. Again.

17 Jul

This morning I decided I’d do some shopping on Sephora, like I so often do. I’m almost out of my favorite face cream, which I affectionately call “magic in a little blue jar”. I’m also almost out of my face cleanser, and I decide I’m going to go with a different brand this time. I’m going to get all the same line of products (the ones to match my magic blue jar). Of course there’s lots of great stuff, and I start clicking “add to cart” like a crazy whore. I check on my shopping cart and there’s $286 worth of products. Well shit. I can’t spend that much money on beautification right now. Something about paying the electric bill, the water bill, blah, blah, blah. So I start removing things, and then I start getting all upset. My hands are sweating, I feel nauseous, I’m starting to get a headache, I can’t deal at all. I can’t decide. I want them all! How can I be expected to choose between smoother skin, less fine line reduction, or pore reducing? I can’t do it. So I just closed the browser window. I literally couldn’t deal with it.

I do this kind of thing all the time. I just freak out and can’t decide what to do, so I do nothing. Same thing happened with the sheet debacle last weekend. I couldn’t decide, and I freaked out. I can’t make a decision, so I get nothing. I can make decisions for everyone else, but I can’t for myself. I can nail down our household budget, move things around, decide when, where and how we should get things done. I can choose between the best doctors and orthodontists for my kids. I can solve everyone else’s problems in .7 seconds, but when it comes to making a decision for myself, I just can’t seem to do it. Chris and the kids are always looking to me for decision making. Chris says that I give great advice, and Kat often looks to me to help her sort out her tween drama with her friends, even my mom calls me for advice. Advice for me? Nope, can’t do it. I’m too stubborn to ask for or take someone else’s for help. When people offer their opinion, I’m all, thanks, but when I want your opinion I’ll give it to you. And I really mean it, I don’t want help, I want to figure it out myself. I’m the biggest control freak on the planet. I just can’t control my own shit.

Last night Chris wanted to know what I wanted for dinner. The kids are with my parents for the week, so it’s just the two of us, and I didn’t feel like cooking, I knew that much. He asked me until about 7:00 what I wanted, I kept saying, I don’t know, why do I need to decide now? It wasn’t that I wasn’t hungry or that I didn’t want to eat, I was starving, I literally just didn’t know what I wanted. I couldn’t decide. Finally he made us peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and I was like, I don’t want this! He’s like, then make a goddamn decision and I’ll get you something else! I was like, I don’t KNOW! Why are you pressuring me?! He gave up asking, and I just ate pb&j for dinner. What kind of moron can’t even choose what they want to eat? I take 30 minutes every day staring at my closet trying to choose what I should wear, even though I know it’s going to be jeans and a t-shirt. Chris has tried to buy my jewelry several times, but I can’t make up my mind, so I get nothing. This is beyond OCD or a need for control or whatever head issue I have. This is just retarded. I’m seriously thinking that it’s time for medication.

Davey told me the other day that “momma” is Latin for boobie. So when he calls me momma he’s really calling my boobie. I’m starting to think he’s on to something there.


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