Not the "Yard Sale Diva"

10 Aug

I spend the whole day Friday helping the kids clean out their closets and drawers, which is way less fun than it sounds. Friday night, Chris brought all of our old crap up from the basement and I spent the evening pricing things. Unfortunately, Chris had to work on Saturday, but I somehow wrangled my ex into helping me lug all of our crap out to the front lawn. So bright and early (5 am!), I was up and getting ready to make this yard sale happen. Here’s why I’m never having another yard sale. Ever. Also why I really dislike people.

  • At 6:26 IN THE MORNING there was an old couple on my front lawn rummaging through my stuff. I was like, Dude, seriously. The sun isn’t even all the way up. Must you be here so damn early? Early bird catches the worm and all that shit, but I haven’t even had a whole cup of coffee. For the love of all things holy, please go away and come back at 7. That’s plenty early, and there will be plenty of worms left. Ok, I didn’t really say that. But as my best fake smile was pasted on, I was totally thinking it.
  • By 7, the yard sale was in full swing, there were people all over the damn place. It was then that I realized that it made me really uncomfortable people rummaging through my stuff. I felt kinda violated. Like all exposed.
  • The crap people buy is unbelievable. For instance, I had these two glass dolphins. They were probably the cheesiest and cheapest-looking things I owned. The guy that bought them practically hurled himself at them and was like, OH. MY. GOD. I HAVE to have these! Damn. I only priced them at 25 cents each. I totally could’ve jacked the price up and made at least another dollar or two…on fucking glass dolphins. Crazy.
  • Davey SUCKS, like as in the worst ever, at selling. One lady was trying to buy his old gerbil cage, and was like, how much is this? I was like, $5. She tucks it under her arm and totally looks like she’s going to buy it. Davey says, my gerbil died in that cage. She turned her nose up and put the cage down. Sigh. Then later on, a lady says something about everything priced so cheap, and Davey says, yeah, my mom priced everything really low so people would buy her worthless crap. SIGH. I’m going to suggest strongly that he not go into sales as a profession.
  • People suck. Like a lot. This one lady kept being like, make me a deal, $1 for these? I’ll give you 25 cents. Totally trying to make me come down on every single thing she picked up. Then she snaps her fingers at Kat and is all, little girl, come hold this for me. Kat’s like, I’ll just put it over on the stairs for you. The lady is like, No! You follow around behind me and hold it. You’re not busy. Kat was like, uh, ok. Then she says to me, Mom, you’re still paying me for today, right?
  • People suck even more. This old guy pulled into our driveway and was like, hey, you there! Get me that! Seriously. He sat in his car pointing at things he wanted. He wouldn’t get out of his car. He ended up buying like $2 worth of books. Which he brought back and exchanged. Three fucking times. Might’ve been easier if you just hauled your lazy ass out of the car and looked for yourself, but I could be wrong.

In the end, we ended up making nearly $300, which was way more than we thought we would. But I’m never, EVER doing a yard sale again. Until next time I need more money.

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