Airline fun

29 Dec

So the other day, well not really the other day, more like two months ago (I just didn’t post it because I’m super lazy and have been totally enthralled in my own personal drama…read: moving 1800 miles), I told you I’d tell you about Chris almost getting arrested by TSA. Here goes.

Ok. So. Chris and I were traveling to Georgia to get some painting and stuff done on the house. The whole trip really started poorly because I’d had a huge fight with the kids’ dad, his car died, which meant that he couldn’t watch the kids while we were gone, so we had to let him borrow our car while we were gone and have him pick us up at the airport when we got back. Of course now, like 2 months later, it really doesn’t sound like a big deal, but at the time, it was. The tension was so thick in the car, you could’ve cut it with a knife. So Chris and I were already pretty stressed when we got to the airport. We tried to check in through the little self-check-in kiosk, but it of course didn’t work. When we got to the counter, the grouchy little man was all, did you try the self-check-in? I was like, yes, we did. It didn’t work. He lets out this big obnoxious sigh, and walked the 4 feet around the counter to help us. When the tickets were printed, we noticed that our seats weren’t together. We asked if he could fix that for us. Now, keep in mind, we aren’t world-class travelers, but we do travel quite a bit. We had a long distance (1800 miles) relationship for over a year, so flying isn’t a new thing. Anyway, we always sit together, and no airline, ever, has had a problem fixing our seats. Well, this douchebag did. He was all, I can’t change your seat without permission. I’m like, well, get permission. The guy’s all, ma’am, we don’t do that. I was like, it’s fine, we’ll just ask at the gate. Then the guy goes into this 10-minute diatribe about how they don’t do that. I was like, dude. Whatever. We’ll ask at the gate. We good here? We got through security and made it to the gate with time to spare. Then it went really bad.

Now, Chris is just about the most charming person on the planet. He always gets what he wants, he’s polite, charming, smooth talking, the whole deal. He never raises his voice, and people always bend over backwards to help him. This time? Not so much. We walked up to the desk and Chris all, excuse me, ma’am? I just have a quick problem I’m hoping you can help me with. You see, I would like to sit with my wife on the plane, but our seats aren’t together. The gentleman downstairs said that you might be able to help me. This woman, snorted and said, No. I can’t. Chris said, do you think you could check again? She was like, No. Chris raises his eyebrows, takes a deep breath and says, is there some reason we can’t sit together? She sighs and says, I’d have to change someone’s seat. And I’m not doing that without asking them. Chris says, well, can we ask them? She’s all huffy at this point, and snaps, Fine. Then she picked up the phone and called the angry little man that we’d already talked to downstairs, who apparently was a “manager”, if manager meant douchebag. They talk for a second on the phone and then she smirks at Chris, and says, no. You can’t change seats. Chris opened his mouth to say something, then she walked away…like mid-conversation. We were like, uh…what the fuck? If the day hadn’t already been absolute crap, we probably start laughing. I didn’t find it even remotely funny. I burst in to tears. I was like, I can’t sit next to some stranger on the plane! I hate flying and you know how I feel about enclosed spaces! I can’t do this, please don’t make me do this! Chris was like, I know baby, I’m gonna fix it. They always change it for us. This lady is just a bitch, I’ll fix it. Don’t cry. So I walk over and sit in the chairs, totally pouting.

The lady didn’t come right back, so Chris patiently waited at the counter for her. When she finally came back, she was helping other people, so Chris continued to be patient. When she was done helping everyone, making phone calls and trying her level best to ignore Chris, she finally was like, can I help you, sir? Now, I didn’t hear what else was said, I was too busy pouting in the chair. The next thing I knew, Chris was walking quickly toward me, shaking his head. I was like, what happened? He was like, that fucking whore just threatened to call TSA on me! This, I found a little funny. Apparently, he asked to speak to a manager, and she said, if you don’t stop bothering me, I’m going to report you to TSA. You can explain to them why you’re terrorizing me. She picked up the scary red phone to call them, and he walked away. I feel sure I’m not making it sound nearly as scary as it actually was…

So maybe the moral of the story is, airline personnel, quit being dicks. Don’t use TSA as a threat so you don’t have to deal with people. TSA is there for security, not for your personal bodyguard. Because here’s the truth, that lady was a straight up bitch, she didn’t even TRY to help us, she was rude and absolutely unprofessional. Chris didn’t so much as raise his voice, and she was nothing but nasty. That’s not TSA’s fault, nor is it their problem. Or maybe the moral of the story is to never fly with Delta again, EVER (we usually use AirTran because they’re cheaper and have THE best customer service of any airline we’ve ever used, and Delta has never given us anything but problems), no matter how cheap they are. Or maybe the moral of the story is, don’t bother with airline personnel, just put on your best sad face and manipulate total strangers into doing what you what them to. Which is what we ended up doing.

Once we were on the plane, Chris said to the lady in the seat next to his, ma’am, my wife is terrified of flying, and may have a panic attack if she can’t sit next to me. Can you please switch seats with her? She didn’t seem to be too happy about it, but one look at me, complete with red puffy eyes, sniffling and wet cheeks, she moved. I slept the whole flight.

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