How was your weekend?

Friday I woke up to the sun shining, the birds singing, it was a beautiful day. It’s been raining for so long here, I desperately wanted (and needed for my own sanity) some sunshine, so I said, screw it, I’m not working today. I called my boss and told her that it was just too nice of a day to be stuck inside and I was taking the day off. I got her voicemail, so I think she had the same idea I did. I spent the day outside with the kids, they played in the sprinkler, I channeled my inner diva:I sat in my lounge chair, my hair wrapped in a scarf like an old Hollywood movie star, my oversized sunglasses and my chilled beverage by my side and read sTORI Telling by Tori Spelling (which if you haven’t read it, is a deliciously fun read). Of course because there’s been no sun since March, my pasty pale ass got sunburned, but that’s ok, at least I wasn’t working.

Saturday, I spent the morning cleaning and then went shopping with Chris for sheets. We decided that instead of buying sheets we’d have a screaming match that ended in me literally walking for a mile to cool off, a pack of cigarettes (I know, I know, I suck), and some really ridiculous drama, but more on that tomorrow.

Yesterday was another beautiful, sun-filled day. We took the kids swimming, I even went in the pool. I put on a bathing suit for the first time in over a year, which was a bit traumatizing. I really think that we should go back to the 1800’s style bathing suits, with the almost knee-length shorts and full coverage tops. Ahh, those were the days big girls could prance around by the pool without their cellulite scaring small children. Sigh. Anyway. We decided that since we were on a roll for family fun day, we’d rent some movies, unwittingly subjecting them to inappropriate adult topics. We rented Bedtime Stories and Yes Man for the kids. Bedtime Stories was cute, it was a Disney movie, so there were no surprises. Yes Man, good movie, but not really for kids. I’m not giving away any plot points or anything, but if you don’t want to know anything that happens, stop reading. It was rated PG-13, which is usually not bad, but there was one scene that Jim Carrey’s old lady neighbor propositions him. He has to say yes, which has it’s own ickyness. So she throws him on the bed and the camera shows his face, she’s, ahem, going down. Then you see her put her false teeth in a glass by the bed. I’m laughing hysterically, because it’s really, really funny. The scene ends, and I think we’re in the clear and Kat says gross. I didn’t say anything, surely she can’t know what that was all about, right? And if she does, well, I’m not having that conversation yet. “Gross” works for me. Then Davey says, Mom, what’s she doing? Why’d she take her teeth out? Ehhh…there’s really no good answer here. I was like, she must’ve lost her contact on his pants and then had to take her teeth out to brush them. Seriously, what the hell am I supposed to say? Oh, she’s performing oral sex on him, and apparently he likes it. You see, oral sex is… Yeah, that’s probably not a good idea. I don’t know if he believed me or not, but he didn’t question it, so I just breathed a sigh of relief and let it go.

So that was my weekend, sunburned, almost divorced and exposed my kids to totally inappropriate oral sex references. How was your weekend?